Guilt and fear? These two thoughts were going through my head today as I was driving down the road on my way home from Sees. Ah! You think you already know why I was thinking about guilt right? Well, nope, it wasn't about eating chocolate. Not this time anyway. I was watching my spedometer and thinking about speed limits. The fear was almost totally unrelated to anything I was doing, more an outreach to the run I did on the treadmill this morning.
First guilt. The other day Hud just happens to mention in passing that he got a ticket the other day coming home from Wyoming. I was struck by this for a number of reasons. First of all, Hud is perfect, so when something odd like this happens I'm always a little surprised. Second, and more to the point, it was the WAY in which he told me. There were no banners. He didn't gush on facebook about the sorrows that will befall him when he tells his wife about the expense of his going over the limit. Emotion wasn't even a factor. It was like he was mentioning that the sun was up. No biggy. Why was this so amazing to me you ask? Well, let's step back in time about 8 months. I'm driving back from a birthday party with all the kids in the car. We are on a frontage road that I have been on several times. I know that the limit goes from basic 40s to sudden 20s right about the time you start up the hill, right? So I'm tooling along, and as I get close to the hill who comes along, but the city police officer, with his lights flashing. I'm taken back, since I'm not doing anything wrong, but I dutifully pull over to the side and get my licence and registration ready. Hud had read me an article stating that if you have these things when the officer comes to the window, you admit your fault, and you smile, they're less likely to give you a ticket. So here I am all ready to go. Except for the one step. I didn't have a clue what I had done wrong. To my surprise it turns out I was speeding! I did not know I was speeding. I thought I had some time before the speed decreased. Well, I was wrong, by about 15 over the limit. OUCH! He reduced my fine to 10, because I guess I looked like I really didn't know I had done wrong. I wasn't too worried about it, I hadn't had any tickets in about 15 years, and I remembered my dad saying something about tickets under 20 were only about $50.00. That's spendy, but doable. Well, when I got home and went online to check, turns out that particular city had doubled all their fines!!!! I was in a panic all the rest of the day. How was I going to tell Hud that I had to pay $100 for speeding?!?!?! I felt terrible. When Hud came home I tearfully explained the whole story and apologized profusely for the error I had made. Ever since that day, I have made a very intense effort not to go over the limit no matter where I am. I don't want to have to tell Hud about the cost again. It was so awful! So fast forward again. He didn't even blink. Why is that? Is it because he's the one bringing home the money so he doesn't mind when he has to shell some out? I don't know. All I know is that this is one of those things that I felt profound guilt over. My children saw me breaking the law, and they saw me get caught. This really got to me, and I have tried my best to do better about it ever since. As I drove along the freeway today I thought about that. I might not have learned how to overcome feelings of guilt, but I think I have gotten something right. I don't speed anymore, I would hate to have someone else see me do that particular thing wrong again!

Now fear. This one is a bugger for me. Ya know, when I was younger I wasn't afraid of much. I was a very spontaneous person really. Wanna go down to Goblin Valley for the weekend? Sure! Feel like an evening of bungie jumping? Why not? Feel like going for a run up the canyon? Who cares if no one else is available, I see ya when I get back. Well. I don't know when it all happened, and I don't really know how, but that's all gone now. If I can't plan it out and know and be prepared for all possible eventualities I don't want to do it. If I might have to go alone I probably won't go. If my kids would have to be there without me I don't think they'll be there at all. It's starting to bug me a little. I'm afraid of some ethereal "something" that might happen. Where did this come from?!? It bugs me. The reason I was thinking about this grew out of my choosing not to go out with the running group this morning. I ended up running on the treadmill in my basement instead. Backing up, again. I have been running with my Sister in Law (we'll call her Sil) for the last couple years. We are a good team. We are about the same pace, we're both very patient, we both want to run enough not to go offending the other over silly things. Well, Sil went to play a pick up game of soccer a couple weeks ago and tore her ACL in half! :( I felt terrible for her! I still do. And not to make this all about me and not about her, but it really changed my training program. That sounds really selfish after announcing something life changing like her injury is. But it's so. I find now that I was totally dependent on her being there in order for me to be able to run. If she wasn't able to run on a day I never went out by myself, I just went down to the basement and did a treadmill workout instead, wishing she had been able to come. When she found out she was going to be out for the summer I was completely lost! I tried going out once alone, but I was frightened the whole time and ran too fast, and jumped at just about every sound. Dogs, cars, people passing or coming up behind me. To be honest the run was really nice, but when the next day came and I had to go out alone again I couldn't make myself go.
There is a group of ladies in the neighborhood, "the speedies" let's call them. They've been going out together to run at 5 in the morning for over 10 years now. I have always wished I could go out with them, but I have always known that I wasn't fast enough to keep up. When Sil got hurt and this fear got strong enough I decided to go run with them. I've tried it several times. Guess what ends up happening? That's right, I end up RUNNING BY MYSELF in the dark of the fore-morning. They're all so fast they leave me behind before we get through the first mile! The first time I went out with them some of them circled around a couple times to catch me and keep me company. But I think they were hoping I would suddenly find myself running a minute faster a mile and be able to keep up, which never happened. Now if I'm too afraid to go running by myself in the sunshine when people are alive and around, why would I not be scared to death to run in the dark of the predawn? Yeah. So when the alarm went off this morning telling me to go out with "the speedies" I said no. I went back to bed, and when the kids were off to school I got on the treadmill in the basement again. Sad day.
This has to stop. I don't know how, but somehow I need to reclaim the part of me that was unafraid. I want the freedom of being able to run in the sunshine and run alone. People do it all around me every day. This is a very safe community. There is no reason to be so scared. How do I reclaim that part of me? How do I step out and feel that freedom? I don't know, but I know I've got to get it right one of these days. It isn't right to live in fear. God doesn't want us to be afraid, and He teaches that there is no faith where there is fear. So I have to learn to overcome this. I need to grow my faith in Him in this thing. I need to take the first steps, some day, and go out into the sun with faith, believing that I will come home again, safe, and healthy and happy. So when do I do this? I don't know. I'm afraid to start. :)